Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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