He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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