If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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