quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
