mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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