did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
