we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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