i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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