do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
