He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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