when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
