Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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