it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
