Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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