He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
