I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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