I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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