sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
