I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
