don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
