I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he thought i was a dude.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
