I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
