Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I could make wine with my vomit
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
