Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
