I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
