I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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