Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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