my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
