My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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