You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
May the power of my ass compel you!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
