i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
