She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
