you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
