I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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