i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
can u get pink eye on your cock?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
