after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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