I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize