No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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