YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
