now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he puts the penis in happiness.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
