Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
