Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
