I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
