just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
