This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
