I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
