There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I could make wine with my vomit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I wear drunk well.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
