Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
