I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
