she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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