Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There r osticjed everywhere
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
