you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
