why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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