I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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