i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
