i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
