Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
