3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
